I don’t believe in anything. I do actually have periods that I think, I would actually like to find something that represents what I feel. Humanism is the closest to this. But the lack of structure is very annoying for Humanism. I’ve toyed with the idea of Buddhism. I haven’t actually done anything about it at all. I’ve read bits about it, and I keep thinking, well the meditation sounds quite nice, but then they don’t want me to drink so I don’t fancy it that much. So, I’m basically trying to find something that fits my lifestyle.
I started from a Christian background, learned all the stories at Sunday school, got old enough to start wondering whether any of them were true… virgin birth, pretty much couldn’t happen, so that one’s gone. So then that takes your religion apart. And I also especially don’t like the fact that what I am is just determined by what my parents taught me to be. I could have just been born somewhere else and then I would’ve been something else. Until I got old enough to take that apart and then you realise there isn’t really anything that makes any complete sense. Except being nice to people.
That belief has come from what I do like about Christianity, why I did want to tell the same stories to my children. Because I think their stories make complete sense. If you lived by those rules, you’re probably not going to go far wrong. The commandments are quite a useful guideline, to keep society together. The Good Samaritan is clearly a very strong story, and Jesus going to the prostitute first when there are all these wealthy people around him who wanted to listen to him. He would just go to somebody else who otherwise would be a social pariah; this is quite a nice guiding principle. Nobody is more important than anybody else just because they’ve got more money; we’re all the same. And that would be useful for people, for children to learn.
But I can’t make sense of the god. I mean, if there’s a god who’s there trying to care for us all he’s doing a really bad job at it. Allowing ridiculous wars to happen, allowing children to be abused. That makes no sense at all. So I think we have to remove him from the equation. But once you’ve removed him from the equation, you’ve got only negatives left. Except that humanism is a positive. I prefer to have something positive.
I’m sure that I have missed lots of opportunities to do positive things for people when I should have done but I was too caught up in my own affairs. So I’ve definitely not lived an ideal humanist life, but then, I’m not sure if there is such a thing. Which takes me back to the structure, which might be quite nice, a constant reminder of how we could all be nicer would focus me perhaps a bit more.